More Tales From The Lost Girl.

 It's just non-stop fun! That was sarcasm by the way. If I hadn't found my mojo I reckon I'd be wallowing in The Pits of Despair, but, although I'm finding it quite frustrating, most of the time this is absolutely fucking hilarious! None of these basterts read profiles! It's all there in black and white - I'm 57, I'm trans, I'm post-op, I live in...   a house 😜 (just in case any creepy-arsed hobgoblins manage to find this), I'm looking for somebody local(ish), etc, etc, etc. So folk from California are asking for a shag and I'm like 'Just how long is your dick?!? 😲 Children (early 30s) are contacting me telling they want buggered and then I'm like 'I've got a vagina you fucking halfwit!' The latest one that I'd been in touch with for a few days has chickened out. It's a shame, but then it's not to be so move on.  I was going to say that I'm really glad about Indie Chick being in control and helping me deal w...

 So what, if I'm 57? In my head I'm still 19 (but 19 without boy bits) and societal norms can go fuck themselves. So there! 😜 I'm an indie chick. My inner good and bad consciences are (also) Indie Chick and Goth Bitch. Unfortunately for me, Goth Bitch has been dominant for the last 20 years or so, and the jaded, cynical fucknugget has left me the size of a fucking house end 😡 And because I have cascading angina and use HRT the excess weight is a bastard to get rid of! I've still managed to ditch 4 stone so far (fuck you Goth Bitch) and it seems to be coming off still, if slowy. So, why has Goth Bitch lost control? Well, fairly recently I was seeing a social worker and she got me thinking about stuff. I have my indie dress 'sense' - I wear what I damn well please and don't give a shit what anybody else thinks. Bollox to fashion! 😜 Then the social worker asked why I couldn't extend that attitude into other areas of my ever-so-slightly fucked up psyche. ...

 I don't know what the fuck is going on. Either the gods are being cunts (aye, cunts!) or I'm being played and I'm too autistic to work it out. Things keep going wrong and I don't know if it's a string of really shitty luck. The problem is, I like this girl/guy. I really like this girl. But things keep going tits up! Fuck ups on the dating site, fuck ups with the phone and now... I don't actually know what it is this time. I'll wait and see if a phone call comes tomorrow and go from there. If there's none...

 On my first day at scool I got a bit of a shock. I had no concept of "sex" or "gender" - I was only 4 ffs! - but I did know that the kids like me were being shepherded in the left door while I was being shepherded in the right (wrong!) door with the goblin kids. With horror I realised that they thought I was a goblin kid too 😟. I also realised very quickly (I was a clever wee lassie) that if I didn't behave like one of them I was going to get a regular beating - this was 1970's macho-shithead west of Scotland after all. So, with mixed success, I tried to be one of them and it was fucking difficult, especially considering that I wouldn't stand up to pee 😝. I still got bullied a bit. But only a bit. As the years went on I was inching ever closer to insanity. I went to bed every single night praying to gods I didn't believe in "Please let me wake up as a proper girl or don't let me wake up at all." Then puberty hit and I really wanted t...

 So how's this working out? Thoughts any clearer? Didn't think so 😕 My poor inner Indie Chick is taking a pounding, but she always bounces back. I'm so glad I have her in me.  See, I get 'chatting' with someone and they express an interest and things go really well and I dare to hope things might go better and I let my guard down and I get ghosted. Of course before that I'm here like a fucking tit getting ready for a date that's never going to happen! So my stomach goes from butterflies to wee birdies to yawning pit then Indie Chick has a word with me and we're dancing again 😁 How the hell am I supposed to go about this though? I suppose it's good that they fuck off before things get going, but at the same time it would be nice to know why. I can guess, but that's not really good enough. In the grand scheme of things I don't suppose it matters - we weren't meant to be, move on. As the numbers start building up again I'm starting to ...

 Aye, she's gone. Why? Fucked if I know. That seems to be my answer to everything these days. What day is it? Fucked if I know. Why is this guy from Cornwall messaging me when it's clear I want somebody local? Fucked if I know. Why do I get my hopes up? Fucked if I know. At least I know what I'm going to do now, she says giggling slightly hysterically. I'm going to persevere. If they can't handle my Aspie quirks  then they're not The One and I'm not wasting my tears on them. My tears are now self-pitying because I'm so fucking lonely!!! My hopes will be getting caged up though and my walls will be getting reinforced. Soul mate my arse. Fucker!

 Trying to find love? When you're transgender? When you live in Scotland? Good fucking luck, sweetheart! I stopped counting the rejections at 104. Why 104 and not 100? Fuck knows, that's not the point! The point is that I have had a ridiculously high number of knockbacks and it's not because I was ugly. When I was younger I was hot - puberty (I'll cover that elsewhere) didn't do too much damage, although it did a shitload more than I was/am happy about. Most people just can't handle transfolk. They find out and they bolt. I've had 2 relationships. That's 2. Two. In 57 years. Which is why I signed up with a trans-specific online dating site. Looking offline is way too scary a prospect and as close to impossible in the sticks as makes no difference anyway.  So far I've had loads of attention mainly from men who I don't have any interest in, but also from two transgirls. I am/was interested in both. One has already disappeared and I having a yawning...

 What a shitty syndrome to have. Named after a fucking Nazi don'tyerno? When I was younger I knew about this one and knew that I fit the bill. Unfortunately, it was scientific fact back then that only boys could have it - aye, that's science for ye! Keeps updating as new information becomes available; how inconvenient for the 'you're-a-science-denier' brigade 😜 Anyhoo, as a result I had to try to hide my little Aspie quirks with very mixed results. About 5 years ago it came out that loads of Aspie girls had been misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (as I was in my 20's) and that it was actually Asperger's that they/we had. After that I just told people that I had it so that the aforementioned quirks would have an explanation. So, off the top of my head, this is some of the shit I've had to deal with on top of being a transgirl in the 70's - as if that wasn't fucking hard enough! I don't do the finger flicking thing any more and ...

 Well, Goth Bitch was right, Kid was a player. Fuck it, who cares? Life goes on 😄

 So, I joined a trans dating site and I was contacted by a gorgeous 37 year old. That's what has initiated my mini meltdown. She is beautiful in mind and body and I couldn't understand why she would get in touch with me . The thing is, I write messages and it takes 10 to 20 minutes to get a reply and Goth Bitch starts thinking 'this bugger's a player with another half dozen marks'. Then Indie Chick pipes in 'mibbe English is a second language for her or mibbe she's as insecure as you are' and my head goes into whirlygig mode again. Now I'm just getting radio silence pretty much as soon as I let my defences down a bit, and I just don't know what to do. I have no-one to talk to other than you Dear Diary - lol.

 It's never been easy to find love being transgender. I've had a grand total of 2 relationships in my life. For the past 20 years(ish) I've been bottling up my emotions and trying to kid myself that relationships are too much hassle and I'm OK on my own. Well, relationships are worth it and I'm far from OK. I'm gut-wrenchingly lonely. NB not desperately lonely. This doesn't mean I'm going to fall at the feet of the first hobgoblin mutant creep who gives me a bit of attention. It does mean that I'm a human being, a woman with emotional needs. Well, the seals on those bottles I've been bottling everything up in started to crumble last night. I woke up at 6am sobbing my heart out and didn't stop for over 3 hours. We need to just have a good cry every now 'n' then over nothing in particular eh? But I'd bottled it up and it all came flooding out today. I recently joined a trans-specific dating site so you can imagine all the hobgoblin...

 This is not for your benefit it's for mine. My rambling is a way for me to sort out the shit in my head. I live in the least trans tolerant area in the entire UK and it makes me ashamed of my fellow Scots. I can forgive ignorance, but wilful ignorance is another matter. I'm so tired of people calling me a science-denier when they don't actually know what the science is!?! It was scientific fact that the Earth is flat - a few hundred years ago. Now it's "scientific fact" that you're either a man or a woman. However, the science is a bit more ambiguous. Every foetus starts off female. Every. Single. One. For the child to be a boy two processes of androgenisation (a kind of bathing in male hormones) have to take place, one on the body in general and another for the much more complex brain. Sometimes only one of these processes happens - Mother Nature fucks up all the time! So my brain stayed female, but my body developed as male and apparently it's fin...