Asperger's.

 What a shitty syndrome to have. Named after a fucking Nazi don'tyerno?

When I was younger I knew about this one and knew that I fit the bill. Unfortunately, it was scientific fact back then that only boys could have it - aye, that's science for ye! Keeps updating as new information becomes available; how inconvenient for the 'you're-a-science-denier' brigade 😜 Anyhoo, as a result I had to try to hide my little Aspie quirks with very mixed results. About 5 years ago it came out that loads of Aspie girls had been misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (as I was in my 20's) and that it was actually Asperger's that they/we had. After that I just told people that I had it so that the aforementioned quirks would have an explanation. So, off the top of my head, this is some of the shit I've had to deal with on top of being a transgirl in the 70's - as if that wasn't fucking hard enough!

I don't do the finger flicking thing any more and I don't really need to do my 'breaker' for it much either. I couldn't begin to translate the 'breaker' technique from "Me" to sensible language 😉

...and that's because written language is an absolute fucking nightmare for me. I have a literal mind so I see the dictionary definition of what is written; I don't pick up on "what I meant was" and it gets me into all kinds of trouble. Hints and nuances don't work on me - I will not see them. If you want to tell me something in writing you can't beat around the bush with innuendo or whatever, you have to just tell me straight up. It also means that writing stuff like this takes an eternity. I think it's worth it though to try to make a bit of sense out of "Me", ie the mogre that my hard-wiring makes inside my head.

I don't know if I've got the eye contact bit to an acceptable level. Eye contact makes me uncomfortable so I force myself to make it. Is the timing too long? Too short? No idea. I get by...

Physical contact by people I don't really know makes me want to shrink into myself and I've not been able to do anything about that; I still freeze if anybody gets too close and sometimes I'll give them a mouthful. Now I ask new people if I may hug them. It's my way to try to desensitise myself and it seems to be working. It also helped that the student nurses I studied with were huggers - thanks be to "the lads" (all girls btw).

I have no idea when people are pulling my leg, not a scoobie. I have to go by their expression and see if there's any hint of a smirk.

...because I quickly learnt expression reading and got really good at it, eg I call tell straight away if someone is lying just by what's going on on their face - about the only positive of being this way.

I'm honest. Brutally honest. Sometimes insultingly honest. I can't lie, I don't know how to. Well, I do know how, but it's blindingly obvious when I do and I don't see the point. Sometimes people say you have to lie to protect somebody else's feelings. Well, no, I'm not a liar, fuck their feelings, if they can't handle reality that's not my problem.

Small talk baffles me. "Lovely day, eh?" What the fuck is the point of a dumb ass question like that?!? I don't get it and my instant response before I catch myself (which I sometimes don't!) is "Fucking d'uh!"

I have no filters. If I think I need to say something, I say it. Is it appropriate for the situation? How the hell would I know?!? It's a bastard and there's fuck all I can do about.

...and aye, I know I swear too much and no, I don't give a shit so if you're offended feel free to fuck off on your merry way 😊