Today.

 It's never been easy to find love being transgender. I've had a grand total of 2 relationships in my life. For the past 20 years(ish) I've been bottling up my emotions and trying to kid myself that relationships are too much hassle and I'm OK on my own. Well, relationships are worth it and I'm far from OK. I'm gut-wrenchingly lonely. NB not desperately lonely. This doesn't mean I'm going to fall at the feet of the first hobgoblin mutant creep who gives me a bit of attention. It does mean that I'm a human being, a woman with emotional needs. Well, the seals on those bottles I've been bottling everything up in started to crumble last night. I woke up at 6am sobbing my heart out and didn't stop for over 3 hours. We need to just have a good cry every now 'n' then over nothing in particular eh? But I'd bottled it up and it all came flooding out today.

I recently joined a trans-specific dating site so you can imagine all the hobgoblins who've been approaching me - lmao. However, there have been notable exceptions; very attractive younger folk who seem genuinely interested in me. It blows my mind when someone like that tells me that I'm beautiful - to the extent that I posted my photo on FB and asked trusted friends for an honest opinion. It seems that I actually am quite pretty, even at 57!?! I was gobsmacked!

I'm a mad mix of eternally optimistic indie chick and jaded cynical Goth bitch. The Goth Bitch (who's all storm clouds and snake bites) is telling me that these gorgeous gurls (intentional spelling) are narcissistic sociopaths who are just toying with my emotions, while the indie chick (who's all rainbows and unicorns) is dancing around like a lovestruck schoolgirl. Then there's me with poxy Asperger's syndrome who's head's in a whirl unable to think straight because of overwhelming emotions that I'm not used to.

People often tell me how much they admire me for being so strong and brave. Well, inside I feel like a frightened little girl cowering in the dark. I just want someone to take me in their arms, give me a kiss and tell me everything's going to be alright. I don't understand why that's too much to ask...