More Tales From The Lost Girl.

 The autism seems to be affecting me in unexpected ways. There's a lot of behaviour online that is probably just accepted by most people, but confuses the hell out of me, eg I tell someone that I'm falling for them and don't hear anything from them for two days; it makes me confused, then it makes me frustrated, then it makes me sad, then I cry myself to sleep. I have a feeling that I should put her out of my mind and move on, but I genuinely don't know what to do because I'm falling for her. I've been wondering if I should stop looking for The One if it's making me this miserable, but then I'm miserable being alone so I might as well be miserable looking for her. Indie Chick is even having a hard time bouncing back from the seeming futility of this search, but I dread to think what kind of mess I would be without her! Ach well, onwards and...   onwards.

 I'm one of those pathetic women who sits by the laptop all day waiting for a message from the girl of her dreams - aye, I do currently have one, gods help me. When that message doesn't come my usually inactive imagination grinds into overdrive - along the lines of what's she doing and who with ? Weekends are the worst and I generally end up crying myself to sleep. I really, really 'like' this woman, but the autism turns me into an idiot when I'm trying to work things out online and I can be 'played' without any effort from the other person. Is she toying with me or is she genuine? I haven't got a fucking clue! The frustration and confusion that this causes makes me sad, then I start wondering if I should try to forget her and move on, then I'm back to I really, really 'like' this woman on the neverending Magic Roundabout that isn't so magic. I'm basically up Shit Creek without a canoe.

 I'm so lonely. I haven't been kissed for so long. I haven't had sex for even longer. Sometimes it's unbearable and feels like it's gnawing at my soul. The rejections keep mounting and I wonder if I have the strength to keep looking and I wonder if The One even exists, but then the despair dissipates and the strength to continue the search returns. But what the fuck am I thinking?!? Daring to hope that a gorgeous young gurl would want to get involved with a fat old bird like me? I must be mad! And yet Indie Chick, with her rainbows and unicorns and magical thinking, has me thinking I have a chance. And Pretty keeps throwing encouragement my way. It's got me so fucking confused. The bastard autism makes it easy for people to make a cunt of me and I'm continually wondering why she's always in my thoughts, but never in my arms. I really, really want her in my arms, like right now! Is it ever likely to happen? She won't give me a straight answer; it'...

 Another one bites the dust fucking mid fucking sentence on the IM. I realise it's probably the migraine aura making me wonder what's wrong with me, but still...  I'm generally the eternal optimist and I really do firmly believe that there's a Law of the Universe that states that there's someone for everyone. However, all laws have exceptions and on days like this I wonder if I'm an exception... Or maybe I'm just being a foolish old woman because I'm tired - fuctifino! The pretty one is probably toying with me as well, but honestly? At the moment I really don't give a shit; she's hot and she says nice things so fuck it, I'll play along. I don't know whether I'm really feeling vulnerable just now or if it's because of the migraine aura. Writing when there's a migraine coming is a pretty dumbfuck idea though 😉

 I'm in it for the long haul - lmfao... Three guys I was regularly chatting with via IM all gradually stopped. Which is a shame because two of them removed the broom up my arse about age gaps. One of them knew eactly what my buttons were and how to push them - the bastert! At least I know now what a submissive little bitch I am 😔. One trans person turned everything into a fucking drama and I just got fed up of their shit. First off I got blocked on the dating site out of nowhere. Then we got in touch through FB and I trailed up to a no-show at her place. Then a promised phone call never came and I just thought 'fuck this - life's too short', but I was still thinking of her. Then two weeks later I got a roasting on FB for not realising that she could be ill in hospital. So we get back on good terms for a whole two fucking days and now I'm blocked on FB as well 😕. Now I'm back in contact with a really pretty t-girl and hope it goes better this time. The fucking ...

 Being a girl (so what if I am 57?!?) is fucking awesome!   ...and the bigotted fucknuggets on Match.com can go screw themselves! Apart from being so fucking fat I'm comfortable in my skin and life is now an Adventure. I can wear whatever the hell I want - jeans, skirt, heels, hiking boots, make-up, etc, etc, etc. I have orgasms that are mind-blowing. I get to cry at sad stories; or not. I'm allowed to be vulnerable; or not. I can be feminine or butch or anything between. I transitioned early enough that puberty didn't have time to do too much damage. So I don't have a chunky jawline or an Adam's apple. I'm not overly tall. My fingers are slender. I do have quite big feet, but not as big as some females in the family. Unbreaking my voice was fairly easy. I suppose I had it easy in that respect. It has been lonely though. Being with women is complicated because my physiology is just too different. Being with men doesn't happen because they're all too chic...