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 I'm so lonely. I haven't been kissed for so long. I haven't had sex for even longer. Sometimes it's unbearable and feels like it's gnawing at my soul. The rejections keep mounting and I wonder if I have the strength to keep looking and I wonder if The One even exists, but then the despair dissipates and the strength to continue the search returns.

But what the fuck am I thinking?!? Daring to hope that a gorgeous young gurl would want to get involved with a fat old bird like me? I must be mad! And yet Indie Chick, with her rainbows and unicorns and magical thinking, has me thinking I have a chance. And Pretty keeps throwing encouragement my way. It's got me so fucking confused. The bastard autism makes it easy for people to make a cunt of me and I'm continually wondering why she's always in my thoughts, but never in my arms. I really, really want her in my arms, like right now! Is it ever likely to happen? She won't give me a straight answer; it's always "one day". There's no point asking the gods because they're a shower of basterts.

It's Saturday night. Again. I'm on my own again. My lips are unkissed. Well, actually they're not. I did get a kiss this week, but she's too busy to call or take two minutes to write a wee message. Not phoning me back caused an internal train wreck so I don't think I want to get involved with her.

I checked and it's only been five weeks since I started this on line dating mullarkey - it feels like much, much longer...